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Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Translating the State of the Union

I am supposed to do this so here I am.

 America used to be great, but we prevailed.

We Were tested.

Bush messed the country up and spent a lot of money, so we spent more money.

Things are better, but they are worse.

Kids don't have the money to go to college.

I read some sad letters from kids.

Ignore all the pettiness from my side, but tell the republicans to shut up.

We need more government so we can make things better.

We had to do the bailout.

If we hadn't people would have lost more homes.

We made everything more transparent.

We're going to add a new tax on the banks.

We stabilized the economy, gave people more unemployment, and less insurance.

We cut taxes, even though we raised a lot of taxes, we did cut some.

Millions of Americans had to spend more on gas and food.

We added a lot more jobs, in the government.

Economists from the left and the right say that it didn't help the economy. Just look at all the signs that say the recovery act is at work. And look at the bad teachers that the teachers union refused to get rid of, and the money we got from you is paying their salary.

I am calling for a new jobs bill again.

Business has to have the government make them hire and get jobs going.

After all that is where jobs get started.

So we need to spend some more money.

And build high speed trains that go nowhere.

Give me what I want.

We can't afford to have the economy we had during most of the Bush years.

Washington has been telling us to wait for years, while China, France and others have already built the trains.

I am not interested in protecting the banks, what I really want is to punish the people.

We need to be even more reckless than we were before.

We have to make sure we control the financial institutes so we know everything about how you spend your money.

We just need more green jobs.

And cap and tax.

I know we can't afford this and I don't care.

We'll make others trade with us.

We are going to make sure all the schools teach Saul Alinsky and become sheep.

And we are going to make all of you pay and extra $10,000 dollars so we can tell them what to learn in college and make them serve us afterwards.

We are going to nearly double the child care credit and really bankrupt the country.

I got Obamacare through and I am not going to give it up, even it the Repulicans repeal it and most of America doesn't want it.

By the way, Michelle doesn't like fat people.

And you are all just to dumb to understand Obamacare and I didn't spend enough time explaining it to you.

Premiums are going up and more people are going to lose their insurance.

So, with global cooling, look at what we have done and declare it great. And you better agree.

Now, listen up Congress, give me the rest of what I want.

After all, all this other stuff was all Bush's fault.

Our efforts to prevent a depression only added a trillion dollars to the debt. That is a trifling amount.

I know how to fix the country, just add some more money. We can afford it.

Don't worry about the debt, I will just set up another commission.

Yesterday the Senate blocked a bill to do that, but who cares, I am going to do it anyway.

The right is telling us to cut the budget and stop spending, but they don't know anything, they are in the back of the bus.

So instead of listening to the Congress, I am just doing what I want. If it is not in the Constitution, then they need to rewrite it the way I want it.

We know people don't trust us, but that is there problem. They don't matter.

Lobbyist need to be transparent unless they work for me.

Congress needs to stop the earmarks, at least the Republicans do.

People need to have everything online so they can see it before they vote on it, except for the bills I want that I can put a lot of regulations in and get more power and money.

Of course the Republicans really need to bow down and kiss my ring.

Everyday is Election day and Republicans need to pay attention to Congress while I get out and campaign.

And the Republicans rhetoric needs to stop.

And in a few days I will tell the Republicans that again, and they better listen.

If the Republicans are not going to let us pass bills without 60 votes, then it's all their fault.

Let's don't worry about all the illegal immigration, they don't matter to our security. Besides, they vote for me.

Since I took office, we have focused on the terrorist right here at home, you know, all the tea party, and the church goers, and the people who carry around a copy of the Constitution.

And Afghanistan, maybe we will win, or maybe not.

We leave Iraq to it's people, al Queda isn't there anymore.

And Jill and Michelle support military families, as long as they are not fat.

These wars are Bush's fault. And I will get rid of all our nuclear weapons, even if it puts us at risk.

I am going to keep talking to all these rogue countries, because I am such a supreme being that they have to listen to me.

Of course, if they don't, there will be consequences, I have no idea what they will be, but there will be consequences.

We are providing leadership. We are working with Muslim communities to promote math and science, it wouldn't do any good to help our own kids.

We have helped Haiti, it's not my fault that they can't get it away from the Government there. And it is just too bad that those girls in Afghanistan are getting killed for going to school, we are still getting out of there.

People in other countries love me. And you better love me too.

People are all created equal, but some of us are more equal than others and I get to decide who that is.

My transformation of America is almost complete and you better not get in my way.

Quit listening to TV pundits and talk radio, especially if they don't agree with me.

I campaigned on "change you can believe in", it's your fault that you didn't believe that I would change the country this way. You should have listened.

We will do what is necessary to raise our poll numbers and get re-elected. If people had done this 50 or 100 years ago, we wouldn't be here.

We had some setbacks this year, but we are going to get our way by going around the Congress.

Just like the people who write to me, including the eight year old child, tell me to do.

We don't quit, I don't quit, so let's finish destroying this great country.

Remarks by the President in State of the Union Address | The White House


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